How to end control battles with your child

March 26, 2018 Nneka Ikeogu

You thought that asking them to pass the plate was a simple request.

As was, ‘Hang your coat up please’.

Apparently not.

Not today.

You ask again. And then a third time.

You can feel your frustration start to rise. Why does it have to be this difficult?

Maybe your child ignores you.

Maybe they answer, ‘In a minute’.

Before you know it, you’re entrenched in another control battle.

Even once it’s over and you’ve ‘won’ the niggles of frustration ripple through the rest of the evening.

Control battles are exhausting for everyone.

If they happen often it might be time to try a different approach.

Does that just mean giving up and doing everything yourself?

No.

Time to take a mindful step back.

Often as parents we're expected to micro-manage our kids but, as most parents know, expecting perfection is a one way ticket to disappointment.

Choosing connection over control is a challenge every time but it can be a game changer for your relationship with your child in the long run.

There are a few mindset shifts that can help transform battles into bonding.

Have realistic expectations

Often when kids aren’t listening, especially younger ones, it isn't purposeful. Kids live in the moment. They don’t see time in the same way that we do.

They aren’t aware of the long list of jobs you have to accomplish before you can sleep tonight. And honestly – would you want them to be? While we want our kids to learn to take responsibility for themselves they aren’t little adults (and that’s a good thing!)

As much as we'd like them to, it's unreasonable to expect our kids to follow all our instructions promptly at first ask. After all, we probably don't even achieve this as adults.

Step back

As the saying goes, it takes two to tango. The best way to opt out of a control battle is to sidestep it.

Give yourself permission to come back to the conversation in ten minutes when you’ve calmed down. (Just try to avoid giving an over-the-shoulder ultimatum as you go).

Or when possible, let natural and logical consequences occur. Even younger children can make decisions for themselves.

Choose to step in the puddle - get wet feet.

Don't eat lunch - feel hungry until the next opportunity for food.

It's not a case of being punitive so much as helping your children to learn for themselves - again just avoid the desire to say, “I told you so”!

Check in with yourself

Is it really about the coat or actually are you feeling tired and stressed? Would you handle it differently if you were in a better mood?

What do YOU need at that moment?

Take a few seconds to think about how you would like the rest of the day or evening to go and fill your own cup before getting trapped in the battle.

Connect first

As hard as it is, if you’re frequently having power struggles it might be a sign that you and your child are a little out of sync and feeling disconnected. Giving your child a tickle or pretending to check their ears in dramatic fashion to discover why they can’t hear you is much more likely to get a laugh and a positive response.

Holding onto the big picture can help you to relax – if taking five minutes for a snack and a chat before you ask them to do something helps, why wouldn’t you?

Take a closer look

If you’re really honest, how much of your parenting interaction involves shouting direct instructions over your shoulder from the kitchen?

The magic ratio for communication is 5 positive interactions to 1 negative one. If that sounds way off it might be time to change your approach.

If all you do is bark orders it’s likely that your kids will stop listening - after all, how would you feel about a boss like that?

Notice the good

Chances are that lots of the time, they do actually hang their coat up or do as they're asked but those times go unnoticed precisely because of the LACK of battle.

Take a few seconds to look into their eyes and thank them for their help clearing the table.

We can get so wrapped up in our story of kids not listening that we miss it when they ACTUALLY DO!

Let it go

Sometimes give yourself permission to just let it go.

It doesn’t mean that your kids will turn into ungrateful monsters who can’t succeed in the world. It means that they’re human and on occasion they feel grumpy, tired and a little unreasonable too.

It isn't ideal but at that moment, making your relationship the priority might be the exact right thing to do.

(Truth is, you probably won’t finish that to-do list anyway).

Being a parent is hard enough without your own high expectations adding more pressure. There’ll always be emails and laundry but there won’t always be a 5-year-old who wants to build a tower with you.

Make this your mantra:

Connect first.

Much better.

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